Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Movie Night. Cancelled.

Movie night is not something that we get all that often around here. It's month nine of the pregnancy and between that and all the stress and drama of what has become our daily life over the last month, we're both usually dragging ourselves into bed after we've dropped The Boy off in the crib. So tonight, when MW said, "let's watch a movie" and I actually had the energy to do so, I was thrilled.

So we put The Boy down. We got the downstairs cleaned and ready for the day tomorrow. Then the phone rang. This first call was a mercy, actually, as MW got to talk while I actually used the time for good (finishing my chores) rather than evil (laying down and ignoring the chores.) The phone call ended just as I was finishing up and I was reaching for the remote when it rang again. This call will last at least an hour. But MW, who is so much more generous and patient than I, is talking and listening like the good guy that he is. Perhaps this, too, is a mercy. Now I actually have a moment to sit down and start up this blog. For the time being.

I've been putting a lot of thought lately into adding a second child to the mix. The fact that #2 will be arriving in less than a month has forced the issue, really. People keep asking me if I'm nervous or worried or wondering how I could love a second as much as I love the first. I feel like they think I'm naive when I respond with "no" and "no" and "no."

Maybe my confidence comes from my experience teaching. After that first year of totally falling in love with the kids, I became extremely nervous when getting ready to greet my second class. How could they compare? Would I adore them as I had my first class? Would we have as much fun? Would they like me as much as my first class did? Teacher friends of mine assured me that I would witness this miracle of watching my heart grow to encompass this new group without losing any connection with the first, and at the same time I'd be amazed that my love for the firsts would not fade in the least. And you know what? They were right. Probably within the first five minutes of that first day of class, I got it. I loved them. Immediately. I found this to be amazing.

With that experience behind me, times five, I've learned many things about what being a parent means when it comes to loving kids. It was the closest thing to parental love that I had ever experienced until I actually became one for real. Now I have one son. Prior to his birth (and in many ways still) I had about 800 kids. No, I can't remember all of their names. But I can remember the blessing they were in my life. I can feel how much I, LOVE....them.

So this is why I'm not so nervous about adding #2 to the gang. Sure I'm anxious about the transition time. But when it comes to LOVING him as much? No way! The thing is, when I was pregnant with The Boy, I didn't know anything about him. I didn't know what he looked like. I didn't know his personality. I didn't know what his laugh sounded like. I didn't know what he'd look like running around naked with my sunglasses on his face, as I found him this morning... But I loved him. And as I find myself preparing for number two, I feel that in a way I'm even more excited. All of the unknowns remain the same, except for the fact that now I KNOW just how deeply this little person will touch my heart. Just how deeply he'll change my life.

For that I am grateful. And blessed. So incredibly blessed.

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