1. Chris has started calling us by our first names. I'm sure there are those who would frown upon this, but I think it is just the cutest thing ever. The other night I came downstairs before leaving for my Youth Ministry meeting to find Christopher strapped into Jake's booster seat, calling to me, "Annie! Help me down! Help me, Annie!" And then. Then! Last night he had a nightmare in the middle of the night. Instead of calling for Mommy, I was awakened by the sound of my own name being shouted repeatedly from the next room. It sounds so much cuter when it comes from that tiny little voice.
2. I finally set some dates to go visit my mom and dad in Reno. Don't know if I've mentioned this here before, but it truly pains me to say that they live in Reno. The summer that I got married, they sold the house where I grew up and built a new one (a big and beautiful new one) just over Mount Rose as you approach Reno. So, technically, they don't live in "Reno" Reno....even though their address says that they do. It still makes me sad to drive through Incline on my way to their house and I think I'm in denial over the whole thing, as is evidenced by the fact that I still tell people they live in Tahoe. And, no Reno, just because you've started calling yourself "Reno-Tahoe" doesn't make it true. You're still just plain old Reno.
3. I'm totally addicted to Whale Wars. Have you seen this show? I just can't stop watching it. And I'm totally not a green-peace, lay down your life for the whales, hug a tree type of person. But it's really quite fascinating and I am impressed by these people who devote their time, energy, and safety to a cause that they feel so passionately about. That being said, I'm going to open up the controversy a little bit to say this - when I watch things like this and hear people talking about the importance of the whales and how "everyone here knows that there is the potential that they will be asked to lay down their lives to save the great whale," I can't help but wonder if these same people place the same value on human life, specifically the lives of the unborn. The idea that some of them probably do not saddens me deeply.
4. Today, as I do every Friday, I took the boys to Adoration. Usually when I have the little people with me, my time with Our Lord is very brief. And, to be honest, I have to focus really hard on not paying any mind to the reactions of other people to the cuteness that is my kids - especially Christopher standing in front of the Monstrance saying, "Hi Deedah! I (love) you, Deedah!" Or last week, telling Jesus about the booboo that he got when he tripped while walking into the church. On most days, my heart swells and my eyes water when I watch this, and my pride has to be kept in check because I know that the other people there are seeing it too. But today? TODAY! They weren't even being unruly - just a little squirmy - but I was SO SELF CONSCIOUS. I could see a woman out of the corner of my eye who kept turning her head to watch the boys and in my mind she was COMPLETELY. UNIMPRESSED. I felt so awful that we were being distracting to other people, and (to be honest) that she was looking down on me for not being able to control my kids, that I couldn't focus on anything else. Clearly I have lessons to learn. Neither pride nor embarrassment should be what's on the forefront of my mind while in Adoration of Our Lord. Someone needs to get her priorities straight.
5. Yesterday morning I was awakened by a flying sippy cup to the face. It hurt so bad, and caught me so off guard, that all coping strategies went to pot and I did the Ugly Cry. Then, about five minutes later during some shifting around to accomodate the sippy thrower into our very early morning bed, Tim kneed me in the thigh. It hurt so bad (again), and caught me so off guard (again), that all coping strategies went to pot (again) and I did the Ugly Cry. Again. It wasn't even 7am. Later that day when everyone else was taking naps, I watched "The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2" (which, Shelby? Did I read the second book? I can't remember.) It was a cute little movie. Certainly won't win any academy awards or anything (the very thing that is probably what makes it good, in my own opinion). Something about the story just touched me on what was clearly an emotional day...and I did the Ugly Cry. For nearly the entire two hours that I was watching. The day goes on and on...but I think that, in all, I probably Ugly Cried upwards of 7-10 separate times. Quite unfortunate. Today was a better day.
6. We have settled on a name for New Baby, or as Christopher calls him now, New Baby Boy Nate. Nathaniel. Naming our first two boys was no problem at all - but we've really struggled with this one. The middle name is going to be the kicker. We're at an impasse, it seems. Good thing we've got until I'm 31 to figure it out.
7. Tonight, although he was exhausted, Jake was not ready to go to sleep when I brought him in his room. Over the last few nights, he's gotten very sensitive to the idea that I'm taking him away from Dad and Chris and into his room to be by himself. It's gotten to the point where I have to take him downstairs and pace back and forth with him until he falls asleep. Tonight, though, I put him in his crib and walked out. When I went in a few minutes later to check on him, he was sitting there playing with Peter, happy as a clam. When I went in again? SOUND ASLEEP. It's a big boy who can occupy himself until sleepy time. Sigh. When did he get to be such a big boy?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I Had No Idea I Could Be So Linky.
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about blogs and bloggers, Twitter and tweeters, about those who take them seriously and about those who write them off as wasted time by narcissistic people. I've been meaning to poll my Twitter Friends on this very topic, especially when it comes to their husbands. Do your husbands tweet? If no, then what do they think about the amount of time you spend on that website or sending in updates from your phone throughout the course of a day? Because you know it's a lot of time. Especially for those of us who are stay at home moms.
Tim, for one, has been very supportive of my blog reading and twittering about, I think mostly because he sees what a support system I've tapped into in the world of Mommy Blogs. I don't think this was his intention when he originally urged me to "check out some blogs." Back then (and still) he was reading a series of Catholic blogs (many of which are linked to on the right side of my page), finance blogs, news blogs. These are the things that hold his interest, the things that encourage him to keep reading. Keep learning. Educate himself. So I hopped onto the computer and started looking for information on what I was interested in at the time: pregnancy. You see, I was in my seventh month of carrying Christopher, plagued with pregnancy insomnia and just looking around for others who were enduring the same joyful, yet challenging stage of life.
Not surprisingly, I found exactly what I was looking for...and what I didn't even realize I was craving.
First, I found Emily. Actually, Emily popped up when my darling ex-roommate, Shelby, sent me a link to one post in particular which I ended up reading out loud to Tim with tears streaming down both of our faces as we HOWLED through the whole thing. (I started to look for a link to it but let's be honest, I'm just too lazy.) A little more reading revealed that she was pregnant too, and due to deliver only a few weeks after me. Next came Maggie. Also pregnant, also with her first, and Hey Look At That! She's Catholic too. Then Rachel. Then Kate.
The more I read, the more connected I felt. The more I realized that, even though I didn't know these women, they were experiencing the same things that I was in pregnancy or child-rearing or marriage or just LIFE. These blogs that I started reading regularly (and commenting on faithfully) quickly became more than leisure reading material. Over the past three years, some of these women have become my own bloggy friends. I've never joined a mommy group here in our little town, but the Mommy Blogosphere has become a support group of its own. And this, my friends, is what I was not expecting.
From there came Twitter...much more convenient for uncommitted bloggers like myself who are still trying to figure out When To Find The Time. And out of the Sacramento Group I've gotten the opportunity to know Manda, and Lizzie, and Sheila. And, to put it lightly, it's been lovely. Example? Well, sure...
The last couple of nights have been particularly challenging around here. Tim, only two weeks into his new job (two weeks including two separate trips to LA, which have taken a toll on him AND on us) has been sick. Nothing we can't handle, nothing we haven't dealt with before, but worrisome. This is a huge challenge for him, of course. It's awful being sick. But it's also a huge challenge for me. Being Mommy. Being Nurse. Being Worried Wife. Or, as Manda reminded me on Twitter last night, being The One Who Everyone Needs. It's such an insecure feeling, worry. Isn't it? And, honestly, such a waste of time. But we'll deal with that in another post. Anyway, I digress. When Tim is sick the best thing for him is to rest. To sleep. To Get Better. And I know this. But having two babies who have no interest in sleeping OR DOING ANYTHING ELSE ASIDE FROM CLIMBING ALL OVER MOM when Dad is home but just out of commission? It's those times that it's Just. Hard.
So after I finally got everyone to bed last night, I came downstairs and left a brief Woe Is Me on Twitter. Do you know what? The outpouring of support was amazing to me. One lovely Twittersation with Manda, some comments from others, and a handful of private messages later my world was suddenly SO MUCH SMALLER. Instead of sitting downstairs in the dark, spending my evening in worry, I had a support group of dear friends encouraging me, making me laugh, and lifting our family up in prayer. It was exactly what I needed - but what I never expected.
You know, no one knows about this little blog. No one in my family, anyway. (It's nice to just have your own private little outlet, you know?) Beyond that, though, very few people in my real world know about the blogs that I read. Certainly no one knows about how much time I spend on Twitter each day, and while I don't think I'll change that, I feel more confident now. Last night confirmed for me what I've known for some time now - that these blogs offer community. Support. Friendship. A helping hand and a hearty laugh from people who are in the same boat. It's not narcissistic, it's realistic. It's smart. It's brave. It's humbling to put yourself out there and invite everyone in, knowing that you're quite possibly inviting as much criticism as support. And yet, it's gratifying and encouraging because, through it, you see that you're not alone.
Tim, for one, has been very supportive of my blog reading and twittering about, I think mostly because he sees what a support system I've tapped into in the world of Mommy Blogs. I don't think this was his intention when he originally urged me to "check out some blogs." Back then (and still) he was reading a series of Catholic blogs (many of which are linked to on the right side of my page), finance blogs, news blogs. These are the things that hold his interest, the things that encourage him to keep reading. Keep learning. Educate himself. So I hopped onto the computer and started looking for information on what I was interested in at the time: pregnancy. You see, I was in my seventh month of carrying Christopher, plagued with pregnancy insomnia and just looking around for others who were enduring the same joyful, yet challenging stage of life.
Not surprisingly, I found exactly what I was looking for...and what I didn't even realize I was craving.
First, I found Emily. Actually, Emily popped up when my darling ex-roommate, Shelby, sent me a link to one post in particular which I ended up reading out loud to Tim with tears streaming down both of our faces as we HOWLED through the whole thing. (I started to look for a link to it but let's be honest, I'm just too lazy.) A little more reading revealed that she was pregnant too, and due to deliver only a few weeks after me. Next came Maggie. Also pregnant, also with her first, and Hey Look At That! She's Catholic too. Then Rachel. Then Kate.
The more I read, the more connected I felt. The more I realized that, even though I didn't know these women, they were experiencing the same things that I was in pregnancy or child-rearing or marriage or just LIFE. These blogs that I started reading regularly (and commenting on faithfully) quickly became more than leisure reading material. Over the past three years, some of these women have become my own bloggy friends. I've never joined a mommy group here in our little town, but the Mommy Blogosphere has become a support group of its own. And this, my friends, is what I was not expecting.
From there came Twitter...much more convenient for uncommitted bloggers like myself who are still trying to figure out When To Find The Time. And out of the Sacramento Group I've gotten the opportunity to know Manda, and Lizzie, and Sheila. And, to put it lightly, it's been lovely. Example? Well, sure...
The last couple of nights have been particularly challenging around here. Tim, only two weeks into his new job (two weeks including two separate trips to LA, which have taken a toll on him AND on us) has been sick. Nothing we can't handle, nothing we haven't dealt with before, but worrisome. This is a huge challenge for him, of course. It's awful being sick. But it's also a huge challenge for me. Being Mommy. Being Nurse. Being Worried Wife. Or, as Manda reminded me on Twitter last night, being The One Who Everyone Needs. It's such an insecure feeling, worry. Isn't it? And, honestly, such a waste of time. But we'll deal with that in another post. Anyway, I digress. When Tim is sick the best thing for him is to rest. To sleep. To Get Better. And I know this. But having two babies who have no interest in sleeping OR DOING ANYTHING ELSE ASIDE FROM CLIMBING ALL OVER MOM when Dad is home but just out of commission? It's those times that it's Just. Hard.
So after I finally got everyone to bed last night, I came downstairs and left a brief Woe Is Me on Twitter. Do you know what? The outpouring of support was amazing to me. One lovely Twittersation with Manda, some comments from others, and a handful of private messages later my world was suddenly SO MUCH SMALLER. Instead of sitting downstairs in the dark, spending my evening in worry, I had a support group of dear friends encouraging me, making me laugh, and lifting our family up in prayer. It was exactly what I needed - but what I never expected.
You know, no one knows about this little blog. No one in my family, anyway. (It's nice to just have your own private little outlet, you know?) Beyond that, though, very few people in my real world know about the blogs that I read. Certainly no one knows about how much time I spend on Twitter each day, and while I don't think I'll change that, I feel more confident now. Last night confirmed for me what I've known for some time now - that these blogs offer community. Support. Friendship. A helping hand and a hearty laugh from people who are in the same boat. It's not narcissistic, it's realistic. It's smart. It's brave. It's humbling to put yourself out there and invite everyone in, knowing that you're quite possibly inviting as much criticism as support. And yet, it's gratifying and encouraging because, through it, you see that you're not alone.
Friday, June 19, 2009
It's Friday - You Know What That Means!
And here we go...
1. Thank you for the input re: next week's ultrasound. I ended up calling the hospital to see if they had a policy and they do! Well, sorta. Superfluous family members are allowed in at the very end (after the tech has taken all of the measurements and done all of the thinking required for their job) to see the live-action baby. By that time, we would have already had our Finding Out Moment. I would be okay with my mom coming for that, but instead, she'll be babysitting the boys. She was perfectly happy to have some alone time with her grandsons, so problem solved! We'll show her the disk when we get home and all will be well.
2. Last night as I was laying with Christopher and settling him for bed, I could hear the planes flying overhead. It reminded me of the many many nights I spent at my Nonna and Nonno's house while I was growing up. They live just minutes from the San Francisco airport and we would spend HOURS with the binoculars up to our faces watching the planes land outside of their huge bay window. I have fond memories of hearing the planes coming in late at night or early in the morning as I was drifting off to (or out of) sleep. It was a comfortable feeling, hearing that last night, but it also made me think about how different things are now that I'm grown. Living only an hour away, I no longer have occasion to sleep at their house. To hear the planes coming in. To wake up to Nonna asking if I wanted hotcakes for breakfast, knowing that she already knew the answer. It left me with a little ping on my heart. Trust me when I say that I do realize how blessed I am to still have these two wonderful people as such a constant part of my life.
3. Today Tim signed and returned the offer letter for the new job! It's going to be a new adventure for him, and for that reason we still have our anxieties and apprehensions about it, but I cannot aptly put words to the flood of relief that washed over me when the fax went out this morning. Every breath of this day has been one of thanksgiving. We are truly blessed.
4. Poor little Christopher is WIRED. He's upstairs with Tim this moment saying, "wake up! wake up!" It's 8:30pm. No doubt the entire cup full of M&Ms that the hairdresser gave him during his shift in her chair today is taking its effect. Right on time.
5. My "enter" key has stopped working 9 hits out of 10. The new computer can't come a moment too soon.
6. Do you think that Vince The ShamWow Guy is going to be our kids' Billy Mays? These are the things that consume my mind these days. Billy Mays has been doing infomercials since I was a kid and here's young Vince making sure Camera Guy is following him from ShamWow to SlapChop. Just curious.
7. I decided today that I need a hobby. Scratch that. I need something else that I can put off, add to a list, and then feel guilty for not getting to. You know, along with the laundry, vaccuuming, cleaning the kitchen floor and the bathrooms, finishing Christopher's baby book, starting Jacob's baby book.... But I was thinking about you knitters and Shelby's knitting club and thinking, "I don't do anything." Someone slap some sense into me...and then clean my house.
1. Thank you for the input re: next week's ultrasound. I ended up calling the hospital to see if they had a policy and they do! Well, sorta. Superfluous family members are allowed in at the very end (after the tech has taken all of the measurements and done all of the thinking required for their job) to see the live-action baby. By that time, we would have already had our Finding Out Moment. I would be okay with my mom coming for that, but instead, she'll be babysitting the boys. She was perfectly happy to have some alone time with her grandsons, so problem solved! We'll show her the disk when we get home and all will be well.
2. Last night as I was laying with Christopher and settling him for bed, I could hear the planes flying overhead. It reminded me of the many many nights I spent at my Nonna and Nonno's house while I was growing up. They live just minutes from the San Francisco airport and we would spend HOURS with the binoculars up to our faces watching the planes land outside of their huge bay window. I have fond memories of hearing the planes coming in late at night or early in the morning as I was drifting off to (or out of) sleep. It was a comfortable feeling, hearing that last night, but it also made me think about how different things are now that I'm grown. Living only an hour away, I no longer have occasion to sleep at their house. To hear the planes coming in. To wake up to Nonna asking if I wanted hotcakes for breakfast, knowing that she already knew the answer. It left me with a little ping on my heart. Trust me when I say that I do realize how blessed I am to still have these two wonderful people as such a constant part of my life.
3. Today Tim signed and returned the offer letter for the new job! It's going to be a new adventure for him, and for that reason we still have our anxieties and apprehensions about it, but I cannot aptly put words to the flood of relief that washed over me when the fax went out this morning. Every breath of this day has been one of thanksgiving. We are truly blessed.
4. Poor little Christopher is WIRED. He's upstairs with Tim this moment saying, "wake up! wake up!" It's 8:30pm. No doubt the entire cup full of M&Ms that the hairdresser gave him during his shift in her chair today is taking its effect. Right on time.
5. My "enter" key has stopped working 9 hits out of 10. The new computer can't come a moment too soon.
6. Do you think that Vince The ShamWow Guy is going to be our kids' Billy Mays? These are the things that consume my mind these days. Billy Mays has been doing infomercials since I was a kid and here's young Vince making sure Camera Guy is following him from ShamWow to SlapChop. Just curious.
7. I decided today that I need a hobby. Scratch that. I need something else that I can put off, add to a list, and then feel guilty for not getting to. You know, along with the laundry, vaccuuming, cleaning the kitchen floor and the bathrooms, finishing Christopher's baby book, starting Jacob's baby book.... But I was thinking about you knitters and Shelby's knitting club and thinking, "I don't do anything." Someone slap some sense into me...and then clean my house.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
It's really more an issue of "Does The Radiology Dept. Have Enough Tissues On Hand For The Tears My Mother Will Shed?"
The other day I was talking to my mom on the phone, an occurrence that repeats itself usually about three or four times in a twenty-four hour period, when she related a conversation that she had with her neighbor. The tail-end of it went a little like this:
Mom: "And I told her that I wouldn't be back in town until Thursday because on WEDNESDAY my daughter gets to find out whether her baby is a boy or a girl....and....maybeI'llgettogoalongonthatappointment."
Me: "Um? Could you repeat that last part?"
Mom: "andmaybei'llgettogoalongonthatappointment? Maybe?"
Now what the heck am I supposed to say to that? This is something that I hadn't even considered. Ever. Not for my mom, and not for Tim's mom (who lives right down the street and has BEEN right down the street for every ultrasound I've had thus far. DOWN THE STREET. NOT IN THE ROOM.) Of course, it had occurred to me that my mom would be in town on that day, and I just figured that she'd stay home with the boys and wouldn't that be exciting to tell her in person this time?
I stammered through a brief, blow-off type of response that went something like, "Oh, Mom, I hadn't even thought of that. Um...I'd have to talk to Tim about it. And...um...well, you know, Tim's parents aren't coming...and maybe that would be a little awkward...and...well, lemmetalktoTimandI'llgetbacktoyou."
Apparently running your words together when you're nervous about the response is an inherited trait.
I figured that the whole "lemme talk to Tim" about it thing would be my way out. I figured that he felt the way that I did - that the Finding Out Ultrasound is a very special and intimate moment to be shared only with your spouse and the Perfect Stranger Technician (although, we always have the same girl, and her son is in my nephew's CCD class, and we've kinda built a relationship through the years.) I feel like the Finding Out Ultrasound is akin to the Delivery Room Reveal, absent the "getting to hold your baby right away" aspect. No one is in the delivery room with us (except the army of doctors in the OR for my c-sections), after all. But it turns out that Tim's take was far different than I'd expected. As usual, his perspective is far broader, far more generous, far more open, and far more loving than mine. (Don't get me wrong, though, I don't think that my feelings on this are selfish- he's just always more generous in these things than I.)
Tim's perspective: It would be a really special moment for my mom to be able to share with me. This is her (perhaps only) opportunity to see an ultrasound like this because thirty years ago they just didn't do it this way. Most likely this is our last baby (which deserves an entirely separate post considering the Catholic Factor and our commitment to NFP and openness to life) and will I regret passing up this opportunity to share such a special moment with her?
See? My husband's major flaw: always thinking of others above himself. Geez.
Now. My response to this was, and remains, that if we invite my mom, we absolutely have to invite his mom. It's all or nothing at this point. Sure, the question could (potentially) be easily solved by calling the hospital and inquiring as to what their policy is on visitors in the ultrasound rooms. They are BIG rooms, so I don't imagine that space would be an issue, but it is very possible that they have rules against inviting the whole town to watch the Baby Movie. (And it really is a Baby Movie. They have a huge LCD screen up on the wall and everything. It's ridiculously deceiving, actually, because the baby always looks like it's eight pounds and ready to be born...even in first trimester ultrasounds.)
I'm sure that, to the reader, my feelings on the matter are clear. I imagine that, because of that, most people would tell me to just follow through with my original inklings. And. Okay. I'll admit that part of the reason that I don't want anyone else in there is that when other people (OKAY AGAIN, specifically my mom. And sometimes Tim's mom.) get emotional, my back goes up and I react by becoming overly stoic. And kinda sarcastic. And pretty annoyed. YES, I DO EXPECT TO HAVE THE MONOPOLY ON EMOTION. AND, YES, I KNOW THAT THIS IS WRONG, BUT I'M PREGNANT SO LEAVE ME ALONE. That being said, my concern is that my inability to deal with their emotion is not a valid reason to not invite them - although, I don't want my childish reaction to others to mar that moment. You know? I hope you do because I really just don't.
And I'm really torn over this. AND I NEED ADVICE. I may not listen to it, but mostly I'm just curious to know what other people would do. So here's the question: Would you want your mother present for your Finding Out Ultrasound? How about your mother-IN-LAW? Do you think that they would want to be there? (I suppose that last one is a silly question.) What would your husband say?
I NEED ANSWERS. Take a poll. Ask people on the street. Ask everyone you know. And then report back here. Inquiring minds want to know. Inquiring pregnant minds want to know or they'll cry. HALP!
Mom: "And I told her that I wouldn't be back in town until Thursday because on WEDNESDAY my daughter gets to find out whether her baby is a boy or a girl....and....maybeI'llgettogoalongonthatappointment."
Me: "Um? Could you repeat that last part?"
Mom: "andmaybei'llgettogoalongonthatappointment? Maybe?"
Now what the heck am I supposed to say to that? This is something that I hadn't even considered. Ever. Not for my mom, and not for Tim's mom (who lives right down the street and has BEEN right down the street for every ultrasound I've had thus far. DOWN THE STREET. NOT IN THE ROOM.) Of course, it had occurred to me that my mom would be in town on that day, and I just figured that she'd stay home with the boys and wouldn't that be exciting to tell her in person this time?
I stammered through a brief, blow-off type of response that went something like, "Oh, Mom, I hadn't even thought of that. Um...I'd have to talk to Tim about it. And...um...well, you know, Tim's parents aren't coming...and maybe that would be a little awkward...and...well, lemmetalktoTimandI'llgetbacktoyou."
Apparently running your words together when you're nervous about the response is an inherited trait.
I figured that the whole "lemme talk to Tim" about it thing would be my way out. I figured that he felt the way that I did - that the Finding Out Ultrasound is a very special and intimate moment to be shared only with your spouse and the Perfect Stranger Technician (although, we always have the same girl, and her son is in my nephew's CCD class, and we've kinda built a relationship through the years.) I feel like the Finding Out Ultrasound is akin to the Delivery Room Reveal, absent the "getting to hold your baby right away" aspect. No one is in the delivery room with us (except the army of doctors in the OR for my c-sections), after all. But it turns out that Tim's take was far different than I'd expected. As usual, his perspective is far broader, far more generous, far more open, and far more loving than mine. (Don't get me wrong, though, I don't think that my feelings on this are selfish- he's just always more generous in these things than I.)
Tim's perspective: It would be a really special moment for my mom to be able to share with me. This is her (perhaps only) opportunity to see an ultrasound like this because thirty years ago they just didn't do it this way. Most likely this is our last baby (which deserves an entirely separate post considering the Catholic Factor and our commitment to NFP and openness to life) and will I regret passing up this opportunity to share such a special moment with her?
See? My husband's major flaw: always thinking of others above himself. Geez.
Now. My response to this was, and remains, that if we invite my mom, we absolutely have to invite his mom. It's all or nothing at this point. Sure, the question could (potentially) be easily solved by calling the hospital and inquiring as to what their policy is on visitors in the ultrasound rooms. They are BIG rooms, so I don't imagine that space would be an issue, but it is very possible that they have rules against inviting the whole town to watch the Baby Movie. (And it really is a Baby Movie. They have a huge LCD screen up on the wall and everything. It's ridiculously deceiving, actually, because the baby always looks like it's eight pounds and ready to be born...even in first trimester ultrasounds.)
I'm sure that, to the reader, my feelings on the matter are clear. I imagine that, because of that, most people would tell me to just follow through with my original inklings. And. Okay. I'll admit that part of the reason that I don't want anyone else in there is that when other people (OKAY AGAIN, specifically my mom. And sometimes Tim's mom.) get emotional, my back goes up and I react by becoming overly stoic. And kinda sarcastic. And pretty annoyed. YES, I DO EXPECT TO HAVE THE MONOPOLY ON EMOTION. AND, YES, I KNOW THAT THIS IS WRONG, BUT I'M PREGNANT SO LEAVE ME ALONE. That being said, my concern is that my inability to deal with their emotion is not a valid reason to not invite them - although, I don't want my childish reaction to others to mar that moment. You know? I hope you do because I really just don't.
And I'm really torn over this. AND I NEED ADVICE. I may not listen to it, but mostly I'm just curious to know what other people would do. So here's the question: Would you want your mother present for your Finding Out Ultrasound? How about your mother-IN-LAW? Do you think that they would want to be there? (I suppose that last one is a silly question.) What would your husband say?
I NEED ANSWERS. Take a poll. Ask people on the street. Ask everyone you know. And then report back here. Inquiring minds want to know. Inquiring pregnant minds want to know or they'll cry. HALP!
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Seven Quick Previews, Saturday Edition.
So I've devised a GENIUS plan to get me to not only get today's (okay, yesterday's) post written, but to also outline prompts AND a schedule of posts for the next week. Okay two weeks. Maybe three. Let's be realistic. FOUR. Out with 7 Quick Takes (for today, anyway) and in with 7 Quick Previews. From what I understand, Quick Takes is meant to be notes about items that just aren't Full Post Worthy; however, I have a bit of a discipline problem when it comes to actually writing posts. And I need a bit of motivation.
And so follows Big Things Happening in the Land of B's & F's to be discussed later:
1.) I need a new laptop. Our current computer has about 1.5 inches of lines running down the monitor, is missing "G" and "Enter" and spends most of its time broadcasting Caillou off of YouTube. We're thinking about making the switch to a Mac, which is a MAJOR LIFE CHANGING EVENT for me; however, I recognize the value of this change and am willing to roll with the tide. Plus, that's what my brother said to do, and when he talks tech, you listen.
2.) Everyone in my bloggy world is writing about sleep these days, and so I figure that I should jump on the bandwagon. I'm a little bit afraid to do this right now, though, because things are actually starting to go well right now. You know that as soon as you open your big fat bloggy mouth about how well your baby is sleeping he starts getting teeth, or an ear infection, or he climbs out of the crib. Sigh. I should just erase this paragraph now before I jinx myself.
3.) Last night as I was sitting downstairs weighing the pros and cons of actually cleaning up the day's toys vs. going to sleep, a commercial came on the On Demand menu (Christopher's viewing of Franklin had come to an end and Tim had whisked him upstairs before he realized what hit him) for High School Musical. And I WAS SINGING ALONG WITH IT. Now, the only thing I know about this movie is this very 30-second preview, but it was enough to plant this thought in my mind: I want to watch it. And I just don't know how I feel about that.
4.) Only 1.5 more weeks until we have our Find Out What Sex The Baby Is Ultrasound and I CAN'T WAIT. And I think it might be a girl. AND I'M ACTUALLY OKAY WITH THAT. (Don't think me too awful of a person.)
5.) I want to go out on a date with my husband. It's been a looong time. We already know where we're going to go and I'm so excited because the last time we went there (and the only time) was the first friday during Lent and I had to order crabcakes. At. A. Steakhouse. I realize that many a fish lover will order fish at a steakhouse without blinking an eye, but some of us do not like fish. Fish are friends. Not food.
6.) There is a man who works in our church whose wife passed away a couple of weeks ago. I did not know her, and I hardly know him except to say hello in passing, but my heart is just broken for him and his family. My norm with things such as this is to send a Mass card and perhaps make a meal to send along, but for whatever reason, I have not gotten around to it yet. Yesterday, during our weekly Friday visit to the rectory HE WAS THERE. He's never there on Fridays. I actually had to TALK to him to express my condolences, which goes against everything in my cowardly being. And I did. Yesterday is the day I became a grown-up.
7.) We've had a lovely experience with our Novena to Saint Rita, about which there are many, MANY things to say. I'll let you ponder what that could mean until I get around to the full story, but it's been so powerful that Tim and I actually talked about giving her a little cred in the baby's name. If it's a girl, of course. I don't think my son would ever forgive me for naming him Rita, do you?
And so follows Big Things Happening in the Land of B's & F's to be discussed later:
1.) I need a new laptop. Our current computer has about 1.5 inches of lines running down the monitor, is missing "G" and "Enter" and spends most of its time broadcasting Caillou off of YouTube. We're thinking about making the switch to a Mac, which is a MAJOR LIFE CHANGING EVENT for me; however, I recognize the value of this change and am willing to roll with the tide. Plus, that's what my brother said to do, and when he talks tech, you listen.
2.) Everyone in my bloggy world is writing about sleep these days, and so I figure that I should jump on the bandwagon. I'm a little bit afraid to do this right now, though, because things are actually starting to go well right now. You know that as soon as you open your big fat bloggy mouth about how well your baby is sleeping he starts getting teeth, or an ear infection, or he climbs out of the crib. Sigh. I should just erase this paragraph now before I jinx myself.
3.) Last night as I was sitting downstairs weighing the pros and cons of actually cleaning up the day's toys vs. going to sleep, a commercial came on the On Demand menu (Christopher's viewing of Franklin had come to an end and Tim had whisked him upstairs before he realized what hit him) for High School Musical. And I WAS SINGING ALONG WITH IT. Now, the only thing I know about this movie is this very 30-second preview, but it was enough to plant this thought in my mind: I want to watch it. And I just don't know how I feel about that.
4.) Only 1.5 more weeks until we have our Find Out What Sex The Baby Is Ultrasound and I CAN'T WAIT. And I think it might be a girl. AND I'M ACTUALLY OKAY WITH THAT. (Don't think me too awful of a person.)
5.) I want to go out on a date with my husband. It's been a looong time. We already know where we're going to go and I'm so excited because the last time we went there (and the only time) was the first friday during Lent and I had to order crabcakes. At. A. Steakhouse. I realize that many a fish lover will order fish at a steakhouse without blinking an eye, but some of us do not like fish. Fish are friends. Not food.
6.) There is a man who works in our church whose wife passed away a couple of weeks ago. I did not know her, and I hardly know him except to say hello in passing, but my heart is just broken for him and his family. My norm with things such as this is to send a Mass card and perhaps make a meal to send along, but for whatever reason, I have not gotten around to it yet. Yesterday, during our weekly Friday visit to the rectory HE WAS THERE. He's never there on Fridays. I actually had to TALK to him to express my condolences, which goes against everything in my cowardly being. And I did. Yesterday is the day I became a grown-up.
7.) We've had a lovely experience with our Novena to Saint Rita, about which there are many, MANY things to say. I'll let you ponder what that could mean until I get around to the full story, but it's been so powerful that Tim and I actually talked about giving her a little cred in the baby's name. If it's a girl, of course. I don't think my son would ever forgive me for naming him Rita, do you?
Friday, May 29, 2009
7 Quick Takes
1.) Tim had a job interview down in LA today. He was up at 3:30, out the door by 5, landed around 8, interview at 10, back in the car at 11:20, inside the Burbank airport at 12:45. He'll be landing in Oakland at 3:05 and back home by dinner. How's that for a quick take. From what he's told me so far, it sounds like it went really well, so here's hoping and praying. This could be a great job for him - definitely different than what he's done before, but maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's time for a change. There's more to say, but I feel like if I talk too much right now I'll jinx something. So let's just pray, okay?
2.) Last night was our earliest bedtime night in the past week. This is because we abandoned our efforts at getting Chris to fall asleep in his bedroom and just let him fall asleep with Tim on our bed. It took him about five minutes. The Big Boy Bed transition has been a lot more difficult than I'd anticipated, and it's come at the exact time that he's discovered that he's tall enough to play with the light switches. So my little Boss of Everyone is always turning lights on and off at the most inopportune times, not the least of which is bedtime. That overhead light is so stimulating, but he doesn't want to have it off because "Me no see, Mommmeee!" I try to explain to him that you're not supposed to be able to see at night night time, but it never works. You try rationalizing with a two year old and let me know how it works for you, okay? So anyway, I've been seeking out advice as to what to do with this whole scene and I think that what we're going to do is string Christmas lights ("Hoho Lights") around his room. I have one of those adapters that you can put in your porch light so you can use a switch to turn them on and off and am hoping that it will work just as well in his ceiling fixture. This way I can string lights around his room without worrying about the wires being dangerous for him, AND when he turns on his switch he'll just turn on the pretty Christmas light rather than that God-Awful, Make You Want To Pluck Out Your Eyes Overhead Light. For a boy who still asks to watch "Ho Ho" (any Christmas movie) EVERY SINGLE DAY (okay, and also has a Santa Claus carpet on the floor in his room) this could be HEAVENLY.
3.) This morning the aforementioned son peed so much that he actually left a puddle on Tim's side of the bed. THANK GOD FOR THAT MATTRESS PAD I WON FROM FAITH & FAMILY. I certainly wasn't planning on washing sheets today, but I suppose when I drag my exhausted self into bed tonight I'll be grateful for the mishap. I swear to you that you've never seen this much pee in your life. I could have WRUNG OUT HIS SHORTS that he was wearing and they really would have dripped. If I think about it too much it makes me heave-y. So let's just leave it at that.
4.) Jacob is crawling like a superstar and it is so cute to watch. He hasn't picked up all that much speed yet, but it's so precious to watch that chubby little bottom squirming across the carpet. The problem is that he doesn't really watch where he's going, so he only stops when he hits his head on something. Today I could hear that he had reached the bookcase before I even looked up for the visual proof. This whole "not watching where he's going" thing let him directly into the edge of a Costco-sized Huggies box this morning, where he scraped up the side of his face and (how he did it I don't know) made his gums bleed all over his teeth. Good grief! Daddy goes back to work (hopefully) and boy did we get slammed on this first day of having him away. Being a SAHM with two kids (Tim's been home since Jake was born) is new to me - today was my baptism by fire.
5.) I'm super excited to meet Maggie and Emily and everyone else in Sacramento this September. I need to read some of these other blogs so that I know who I'll be spending my Saturday with. I won't deny that this trip has been the driving force behind starting back up with the blog. I've decided that Twitter is much more my style. Quick and easy. But I'm going to give the blog another try to see how it goes. I'm hoping that getting everyone back into a normal routine around here will afford me a little more time to myself to sit and write here and there. That would be nice.
6.) We were talking the other night and both agreed that if Tim DOES get this job, we'll be starting our house hunt IMMEDIATELY. Yay!!!! I've already decided that, thanks to the pregnancy, it's not premature to start packing up my winter clothes and putting them into the garage. They're not going to fit me this winter anyway, so either it will afford me more closet space until winter 2010 when I'll just bring them back in (which would mean we're still here. BOO.) OR! Or I'll already have a good amount of my clothes packed up and ready to go for the move. THAT would be lovely - the prepacking AND the move.
7.) As we speak, Rachael Ray is cooking spinach fettuccine. You know, I'm not a big fan of the colored pastas. I just don't like the taste as much. Give me some plain white pasta any day. I suppose it doesn't matter all that much right now, considering I'm supposed to be "staying away from the white stuff," as my doctor reminds me every month. But still. I'm a pasta purist. What can I say?
2.) Last night was our earliest bedtime night in the past week. This is because we abandoned our efforts at getting Chris to fall asleep in his bedroom and just let him fall asleep with Tim on our bed. It took him about five minutes. The Big Boy Bed transition has been a lot more difficult than I'd anticipated, and it's come at the exact time that he's discovered that he's tall enough to play with the light switches. So my little Boss of Everyone is always turning lights on and off at the most inopportune times, not the least of which is bedtime. That overhead light is so stimulating, but he doesn't want to have it off because "Me no see, Mommmeee!" I try to explain to him that you're not supposed to be able to see at night night time, but it never works. You try rationalizing with a two year old and let me know how it works for you, okay? So anyway, I've been seeking out advice as to what to do with this whole scene and I think that what we're going to do is string Christmas lights ("Hoho Lights") around his room. I have one of those adapters that you can put in your porch light so you can use a switch to turn them on and off and am hoping that it will work just as well in his ceiling fixture. This way I can string lights around his room without worrying about the wires being dangerous for him, AND when he turns on his switch he'll just turn on the pretty Christmas light rather than that God-Awful, Make You Want To Pluck Out Your Eyes Overhead Light. For a boy who still asks to watch "Ho Ho" (any Christmas movie) EVERY SINGLE DAY (okay, and also has a Santa Claus carpet on the floor in his room) this could be HEAVENLY.
3.) This morning the aforementioned son peed so much that he actually left a puddle on Tim's side of the bed. THANK GOD FOR THAT MATTRESS PAD I WON FROM FAITH & FAMILY. I certainly wasn't planning on washing sheets today, but I suppose when I drag my exhausted self into bed tonight I'll be grateful for the mishap. I swear to you that you've never seen this much pee in your life. I could have WRUNG OUT HIS SHORTS that he was wearing and they really would have dripped. If I think about it too much it makes me heave-y. So let's just leave it at that.
4.) Jacob is crawling like a superstar and it is so cute to watch. He hasn't picked up all that much speed yet, but it's so precious to watch that chubby little bottom squirming across the carpet. The problem is that he doesn't really watch where he's going, so he only stops when he hits his head on something. Today I could hear that he had reached the bookcase before I even looked up for the visual proof. This whole "not watching where he's going" thing let him directly into the edge of a Costco-sized Huggies box this morning, where he scraped up the side of his face and (how he did it I don't know) made his gums bleed all over his teeth. Good grief! Daddy goes back to work (hopefully) and boy did we get slammed on this first day of having him away. Being a SAHM with two kids (Tim's been home since Jake was born) is new to me - today was my baptism by fire.
5.) I'm super excited to meet Maggie and Emily and everyone else in Sacramento this September. I need to read some of these other blogs so that I know who I'll be spending my Saturday with. I won't deny that this trip has been the driving force behind starting back up with the blog. I've decided that Twitter is much more my style. Quick and easy. But I'm going to give the blog another try to see how it goes. I'm hoping that getting everyone back into a normal routine around here will afford me a little more time to myself to sit and write here and there. That would be nice.
6.) We were talking the other night and both agreed that if Tim DOES get this job, we'll be starting our house hunt IMMEDIATELY. Yay!!!! I've already decided that, thanks to the pregnancy, it's not premature to start packing up my winter clothes and putting them into the garage. They're not going to fit me this winter anyway, so either it will afford me more closet space until winter 2010 when I'll just bring them back in (which would mean we're still here. BOO.) OR! Or I'll already have a good amount of my clothes packed up and ready to go for the move. THAT would be lovely - the prepacking AND the move.
7.) As we speak, Rachael Ray is cooking spinach fettuccine. You know, I'm not a big fan of the colored pastas. I just don't like the taste as much. Give me some plain white pasta any day. I suppose it doesn't matter all that much right now, considering I'm supposed to be "staying away from the white stuff," as my doctor reminds me every month. But still. I'm a pasta purist. What can I say?
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
If "Let's Make A Deal" were still on TV I'd be SO. RICH.
You know when you don't call someone for a really long time and then you think about calling them but feel bad about how long it's been so you keep not calling? And the cycle just goes on and on until it's May 26th and the last time you called was March 20th? MARCH 20TH! Well that is where we find ourselves now, isn't it.
My apologies for not calling.
It hasn't been for wont of material. A LOT has happened since March 20th - I've found out I'm pregnant, for example. Jacob had his first birthday. Tim had an interview. The overly-loving-on-the-verge-of-being-really-weird-and-creepy guy at Church whipped out a camera and started photographing my children at Mass. (Okay, we will have to deal with this one separately). But that (and all of the other goings on in the past two months) have all been SO BIG that I haven't figured out how to deal with them, let alone WRITE them, and so I've put it off and there's the cycle all over again.
So instead of filling in the dead space, we're starting fresh. Right here. Today. Sound good? Good. This works well considering the fact that today has been a monumental day. It is the day I cleaned out my $10 target canvas tote bag. I purchased said bag with the intention of having something big enough (and cheap enough) that it could literally carry everything without being a diaper bag. You know that bag? And everything it really did catch.
Today, in my navy blue canvas $10 tote, I recovered:
1 apple nutrigrain bar wrapper
2 avent pacifier caps
Plastic bear with fish in mouth
Bare Escentuals Buxom Lips in "dolly" (Thanks Sherb. I LOVE this.)
1 smashed blueberry nutrigrain bar in wrapper
1 pair toddler sized blue & brown dress socks
a tissue
plastic wrapper for pocket tissues
baby tylenol
a tiny plastic horse
an old shopping list
a broken pencil with a like-new green eraser. I love those cap erasers.
a non-broken pencil
$11. six $1 bills and one $5. Someone is going to Starbucks tomorrow.
one USGA notepad
an empty Lourdes Holy Water bottle
one grey crayon
Christopher's "Baby HoHo" - a tiny ornament of Santa wearing a t-shirt, lifting weights.
another tissue
2 sheets of song lyrics from our latest youth ministry evening
another grocery list
a can of spray-on sunscreen
3 separate torn papers
1 purple mitten
one side of the white strips you rip off the back of a bandaid
an empty fruit snacks bag
A blue and lavender semi truck
2 separate travel first-aide kits
1 pack of Orbit Maui Watermelon Mint gum. mmmm. delicious.
a pen that only works sometimes.
an antique bell from my grandma's house
a penny
one strawberry nutrigrain bar wrapper
2 smashed apple nutrigrain bars, in wrappers
6 used tissues. I know. We had man colds recently - another noteworthy event that you missed.
one lego person
2 baby spoons
plastic toy giraffe
plush toy giraffe
plastic Sponge Bob from Burger King kids meal -promptly thrown in trash
blue poker chip
my wallet
my cell phone
2 sippies, empty
1 tupperware of mac-n-cheese - we just came home from lunch at the grandparents' house
a plastic pig mama with four little baby pigs suckling away
a tiny plastic horse - does this make 2 horses? I've lost track.
one chip clip
break for cutest thing ever - Christopher just escaped his room and ran all the way downstairs just to give me a kiss. Then promptly returned to Daddy who was waiting in his room. MELT MY HEART.
3 more torn pieces of paper
another old shopping list
a small piece of bark
1 pair of white toddler-sized athletic socks
a hand-held mirror
one pink barrette, plastic - I have no. idea.
1/2 packet of pocket kleenex
1 size 6 diaper
1 pull-up
a mother's day card from a friend at church
Clinique lip gloss #406 "stellar plumb"
one board book - "Baby's First Bible Stories"
ziploc bag filled with almonds - promptly eaten during the arduous process of making this list
My grandma's "SF Port of Entry" photo badge from the 1940s. Very cool.
antique dinner bell from Grandma's kitchen
2 always pads
a Divine Mercy holy card
a ziploc filled to capacity with goldfish - okay, every time I say ziploc what I should REALLY say is "jelly belly bag." You know those jelly belly bags that you can fill up at the candy store? Well, it's a long story, but let's just say that thanks to the kindness of others I have not had to buy real ziploc bags in at least 6 months.
one red Volkswagen beatle with Canada's flag painted on it.
a real ziploc with 6 candy corns in it - I confiscated this from my child at Mass after his well-meaning grandparents brought him a snack to keep him occupied. We don't eat in church - a family rule that I have yet to be able to drive home with the extendeds.
1 maroon sharpie
1 Target brand fiber-one bar
1 blue pacifier
a hairbrush
3 more used tissues
a restaurant mint
1 navy blue infant sized zip-up hoodie sweatshirt
1 bottle of potassium supplements with receipt
1 red & white sock, Christopher's
a plastic travel container of Huggies baby wipes
Christopher's baseball cap
Clinique lip gloss #04, "sunset"
another torn paper
4 hotwheels: 1 motorcycle, 1 car, 2 trucks
another grocery receipt
and....another tissue
And I've been wondering why my back has been giving me such trouble?
My apologies for not calling.
It hasn't been for wont of material. A LOT has happened since March 20th - I've found out I'm pregnant, for example. Jacob had his first birthday. Tim had an interview. The overly-loving-on-the-verge-of-being-really-weird-and-creepy guy at Church whipped out a camera and started photographing my children at Mass. (Okay, we will have to deal with this one separately). But that (and all of the other goings on in the past two months) have all been SO BIG that I haven't figured out how to deal with them, let alone WRITE them, and so I've put it off and there's the cycle all over again.
So instead of filling in the dead space, we're starting fresh. Right here. Today. Sound good? Good. This works well considering the fact that today has been a monumental day. It is the day I cleaned out my $10 target canvas tote bag. I purchased said bag with the intention of having something big enough (and cheap enough) that it could literally carry everything without being a diaper bag. You know that bag? And everything it really did catch.
Today, in my navy blue canvas $10 tote, I recovered:
1 apple nutrigrain bar wrapper
2 avent pacifier caps
Plastic bear with fish in mouth
Bare Escentuals Buxom Lips in "dolly" (Thanks Sherb. I LOVE this.)
1 smashed blueberry nutrigrain bar in wrapper
1 pair toddler sized blue & brown dress socks
a tissue
plastic wrapper for pocket tissues
baby tylenol
a tiny plastic horse
an old shopping list
a broken pencil with a like-new green eraser. I love those cap erasers.
a non-broken pencil
$11. six $1 bills and one $5. Someone is going to Starbucks tomorrow.
one USGA notepad
an empty Lourdes Holy Water bottle
one grey crayon
Christopher's "Baby HoHo" - a tiny ornament of Santa wearing a t-shirt, lifting weights.
another tissue
2 sheets of song lyrics from our latest youth ministry evening
another grocery list
a can of spray-on sunscreen
3 separate torn papers
1 purple mitten
one side of the white strips you rip off the back of a bandaid
an empty fruit snacks bag
A blue and lavender semi truck
2 separate travel first-aide kits
1 pack of Orbit Maui Watermelon Mint gum. mmmm. delicious.
a pen that only works sometimes.
an antique bell from my grandma's house
a penny
one strawberry nutrigrain bar wrapper
2 smashed apple nutrigrain bars, in wrappers
6 used tissues. I know. We had man colds recently - another noteworthy event that you missed.
one lego person
2 baby spoons
plastic toy giraffe
plush toy giraffe
plastic Sponge Bob from Burger King kids meal -promptly thrown in trash
blue poker chip
my wallet
my cell phone
2 sippies, empty
1 tupperware of mac-n-cheese - we just came home from lunch at the grandparents' house
a plastic pig mama with four little baby pigs suckling away
a tiny plastic horse - does this make 2 horses? I've lost track.
one chip clip
break for cutest thing ever - Christopher just escaped his room and ran all the way downstairs just to give me a kiss. Then promptly returned to Daddy who was waiting in his room. MELT MY HEART.
3 more torn pieces of paper
another old shopping list
a small piece of bark
1 pair of white toddler-sized athletic socks
a hand-held mirror
one pink barrette, plastic - I have no. idea.
1/2 packet of pocket kleenex
1 size 6 diaper
1 pull-up
a mother's day card from a friend at church
Clinique lip gloss #406 "stellar plumb"
one board book - "Baby's First Bible Stories"
ziploc bag filled with almonds - promptly eaten during the arduous process of making this list
My grandma's "SF Port of Entry" photo badge from the 1940s. Very cool.
antique dinner bell from Grandma's kitchen
2 always pads
a Divine Mercy holy card
a ziploc filled to capacity with goldfish - okay, every time I say ziploc what I should REALLY say is "jelly belly bag." You know those jelly belly bags that you can fill up at the candy store? Well, it's a long story, but let's just say that thanks to the kindness of others I have not had to buy real ziploc bags in at least 6 months.
one red Volkswagen beatle with Canada's flag painted on it.
a real ziploc with 6 candy corns in it - I confiscated this from my child at Mass after his well-meaning grandparents brought him a snack to keep him occupied. We don't eat in church - a family rule that I have yet to be able to drive home with the extendeds.
1 maroon sharpie
1 Target brand fiber-one bar
1 blue pacifier
a hairbrush
3 more used tissues
a restaurant mint
1 navy blue infant sized zip-up hoodie sweatshirt
1 bottle of potassium supplements with receipt
1 red & white sock, Christopher's
a plastic travel container of Huggies baby wipes
Christopher's baseball cap
Clinique lip gloss #04, "sunset"
another torn paper
4 hotwheels: 1 motorcycle, 1 car, 2 trucks
another grocery receipt
and....another tissue
And I've been wondering why my back has been giving me such trouble?
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